Up Before the Sun

It’s a snow day. A glorious snow day for teachers. This day is envied by others who think they would spend it better… asleep. Some might say it’s a day wasted not sleeping in. My stomach was far too unhappy to sleep… I simply had no choice.

While I was sitting enjoying my coffee- surrounded by two cats and a dog, I rummaged through my draft box of blogs I never quite finished. Some of them were perfect. Some of them completely unfinished. Some of them too emotional. Some of them too honest. None of them were posted. I have been writing, but just not finishing.

For six months- I’ve felt different. For three months- I’ve been sick. It takes a toll on you and wears you down in so many ways. It hits your house. It hits your relationships. It hits your emotions. It’s all you have to talk about and it’s all anyone can talk to you about. In a sense, you lose all the other parts of who you are. You just become the illness.

For me, it’s taken a toll on the things that make me right in the head too. I’ve been too tired to write or have felt guilty if I did begin to write. If I had that much energy why wasn’t I doing something to help my husband? There was a lot of guilt there to begin to write again. There were days where just going up a flight of stairs would put me into a fit of belching and pain- “days” like 90 in a row. So I have not been running. I’ve hardly been walking. To get my mental clarity I need to write or run… one of the two if not both and I have been doing neither.

To get up before the sun is a quiet I don’t hear at any other time in the day. The children aren’t running around flipping, squealing, fighting, or tickling. My husband isn’t turning the football game up on the highest volume possible. I hear the snorts of my dog and the heat cranking out to beat this cold weather. This might be the darkest and yet clearest time of my entire day.

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