If I were to go logging I would worry the whole time which way the tree would fall and how I would carry the burden. I would have it all plotted out and carefully designed in my implications of my plans, but in the end a little bit of chance, wind, and gravity take it in a direction I had not anticipated. This time last year I was completing applications for teaching jobs. I was networking my tail off, meeting, calling, and pestering. While I was stressing about the outcomes of falling trees that I could not control – I wasn’t sleeping well and my thoughts were all over the place. I wrote a blog about this place of indecision. The blog is called “My Mantra is in the Steady Pace of a Good Run”.
I describe running as a meditation and time of prayer- I am not talking about the short runs. I’m talking about these long runs that push beyond the point of comfort. A good run to me is when I can find a pace and a mantra that flow together. The blog previously mentioned includes my thoughts from a ten mile run. Below is the mantra –
Do not behave out of desperation. Do not behave out of character. Instead behave out of necessity. Behave with the strength and the courage that others may not possess and even when they do not understand the lengths you will go to … do NOT falter. Behave as you feel called to do and with that I arose like a shot out of the cannon I shaved nearly two minutes off of my pace in the next two miles.
One of the things that has been blocking my mind for running is the fact that I knew I had not trained enough for a half marathon that was last weekend. I was disappointed with myself and just the luck of the situation – I had oral surgery, then got laryngitis and then bronchitis. I simply wasn’t ready with my training. It was like an entire beaver dam of logs set up around that artery clogging my mind. I was nearly ready to behave out of desperation and character. Instead I refocused myself to only do what was in that moment necessary to do – which was to celebrate my husband’s success in completing the half-marathon on his own. He deserved for me to not be in a funk about myself and my bitter disappointment.
There is this special award in our town called a “triple crown”. If you run three half-marathons then you get a third award for being so awesome. I missed the first leg of the eligibility to earn the crown. Although it may seem silly, it was my goal of the year. I had let go of the possibility of tackling a marathon and had decided to settle on the three half-marathons. Much to my disappointment, I had to behave with strength and courage and admit to myself that the lengths I would have to go to would be unreachable. I awoke this morning realizing I had moved enough of my mental clogging away to just simply make a new goal. I feel as though I should act in a way that I’ve been called to do and capture it.
I just have to take one log at a time to get back to me. I needed to unclog some of those arteries that led to the path of me. In the last week I started with blogging because I hadn’t done that in far too long – I ran again – talked with my pastor for a long time – focused on my meals for the week – made sure I had some down time – and made some upcoming travel plans. I had in a sense shot out of a cannon again.