You’re So Vain You Probably Thought My Life Was About You

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My husband got me a new book for Christmas. It’s about being an introvert which is something I am realizing I lean towards. I’m accepting this as what it is. For many years he was part of a theater community which is a mad house of extroverts by majority. I felt intensely inadequate and truth be told I am not inadequate but it took me many years to get here traveling a road to acceptance.

I can write a poem, song, prayer, blog, letter or monologue in well thought out prose, but it’s about think time. Give me some time to think. My husband practices improv theater. He thrives off of quick wit and I am the opposite I will give you something amazing, but you must give me time. Our friend described us like this- John is funny, but April is that quiet punch line and she’s just as funny because you’d never expect the line she’s about to lay down.

“I wanna have friends that will let me be all alone when being alone is all that I need.”

One of the things I’m learning about introversion is how draining socializing is and making small talk is annoying- it’s not just me???? Seriously? Many times I’ve gone to social events and find myself in deep conversation with someone, but not just shooting small talk. I hate small talk. I would leave the event feeling ashamed I had once again ended up having a serious conversation. I had this one friend in college and she asked a million questions and I never really understood until recently why I was so bothered by her. It’s because she was making small talk about every little thing. In college our favorite bar was a dark cellar where you could have quiet philosophical discussions over dim candlelight. I’m not lame there are millions more like me ready to do the same thing.

“I wanna fit in to the perfect space feel natural and safe in a volatile place.” 

I hate conflict. Quiet. Methodical. When my mouth is quick it is sharp. It is best to speak with hesitation and discover my true thoughts and emotions. As a middle school teacher this is tested often. Middle schoolers love to practice their arguing skills. My student said a few weeks ago, “Mrs. B is quiet guys. She’s like a stealth bomber. She’s really mad when she has nothing to say and that’s when you’re about to go down.”

“Okay part two now clear the house. The party’s over take the shouting and and the people, get out!”

It’s okay to like myself and accept my personality. Forcing something always takes more energy. I will take the path of least resistance. It’s okay to take time for me and take care of myself. It’s perfectly acceptable to make sure that my mind, body, marriage, and children are healthy and in working order. It’s okay to only try to change what is possible and within my grasp to change. It’s okay to just breathe it through in the quiet.

“I wanna have pride like my mother has, not like the kind in the Bible that turns you bad.”

In all that is in the quiet, the think time, desire for peace and the right to be alone when being alone is all that I need leads me to who I am today. If you had told me who I would become two years ago I would not have believed you. On the path of least resistance is a beautiful place. I have found it so the party is over… take the shouting and the people, get out of my head.

“Love me for the man I have become and not the man that I was.”

Avett Brothers ~ Perfect Space

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