If it’s the beaches’ sands you want
Then you will have them
If it’s the mountains’ bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it’s the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever what you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when we forget why we left here
November spells sweet memory
The season blue remains
Your yellow hair is like the sunlight, however sweet it shines
Bit by the cold of December, I’m warm beside your smile
Oh lady tell me I’m not leaving, you’re everything I dream
I’m killing myself thinking, I’m falling like the leaves
~ Avett Brothers ~
Last year’s songs were “Head full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise” and “I and Love and You”. They encompassed and embodied the idea that I was at a major crossroads of self-discovery and falling into a deeper love with my husband. 2014, These are your songs.
While on long runs I would find myself in deep meditation and emotionally confused, because it’s not just about what someone is willing to grant but also what are you willing to grant yourself in happiness. It is a wish to run away… over the hills and many distances. I didn’t do it alone- I did it with help, encouragement, and support. Many miles were put on my shoes this year by bending rivers and mountains I stepped foot onto pavements. I headed to the local mountain and gazed above at the luminescent figure of a star at the top. I took in these moments to pray and continue to discover myself.
The year’s journey for me was about distance. How far would I go to reach a finish line? Am I ever finished? Will I ever be enough? I ran my 2nd half marathon in November. I had only asked certain people to come cheer me on at the finish. They did not show and it reminded me that the season of blue remains in our relationship. I instead was cheered on by perfect strangers. It made my heart a little sad and I fell into a November blue about it like the falling of the leaves I shed away the extra baggage. As I headed to the cold of December I realized that no matter what I was doing or becoming it would never be enough for some to keep me around. Fostering the relationships that remain is more important than trying to catch leaves that have already fallen.
If it’s the beaches’ sand you want then you will have them for Christmas. We piled into the van and the kids while not nearly leaving the neighborhood began the inevitable “Are we there yet?”. My husband says to me that in a simple conversation with a friend he had realized my desire to hit the beach for Christmas. Leaving behind all that is at home -all family, pets and friends- to stick our toes for a moment in the sand. Insert the song “Tradition” from Fiddler on the Roof. I am rebuilding traditions that have long escaped us and now we are building our own together- just the four of us. As the bitter Atlantic Ocean touched my children’s toes I was bit by December, but I was warmed by my husband’s smile as we celebrated Christmas together. We watched our children running in the sand and playing like the best of friends. We watched the sunrise over the ocean and were reminded of God’s majestic creations.
Musicals are mostly unrealistic and I often think… who really breaks into song like that? This year I trudged myself through a November blue and found myself regenerated at the beach by the bitter cold of December.
The beginning part of If it’s the Beaches goes like this –
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though it’s hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you.
Maybe the 2012 April would have said that. The 2013 April barely squeezed it by and the 2014 April said… screw that I’m going to the beach to watch my children run and play together. To 2015 I hope that the journey with the Avetts is just as interesting of an emotional connection for me as the last two years.
With Love XOXO