Excuse the Mess: Mental Spring Cleaning in Progress

If I’m crying my cup runneth over. I have reached my maximum output of stress, exhaustion, emotion, pain, love- whatever it is has been really getting to me. Sometimes I realize it building up and sometimes I am completely surprised by the boiling turbulence that has built up under my thick thick skin.

I have been in a mental rut recently recycling the same struggles that have plagued me, but I knew something else was wrong. I was struggling without a pinpoint to the problem. I opened a note this week and immediately the tears began to flow almost to the point of sobbing. When I opened it I realized that inside its contents was a hidden turbulence of my emotions. I was very surprised by my emotional breakdown.

Someone once said to me, “Come on in and shut the door. What’s wrong- something must be really really wrong…. (handing me a tissue) A lot of people have walked through these doors crying but not April. It makes me weak in the knees to see you cry.”

I can think of specific times I had some good cries that were unrelated to deaths. I cried a few days before my son was born- I walked with someone else’s arms around me like a set of crutches to get to the elevator and just sobbed trying to stand since I was in so much physical pain. I cried when they took me out of work for not being able to walk. During my second pregnancy I tried to walk to the cafeteria to get my own lunch. The walk was incredibly hard and by the time I got to my room I couldn’t get the door open and I was in a lot of pain… so I just sobbed. I made it to the doorway of my coworker and his jaw dropped as he fumbled and stumbled trying to help me. I don’t cry often, but when I do I’m done- stick a fork in me.

 This random turbulence when I think I’ve got it all under control and then WHAM- It hits me in a way I had not expected. I have been hiding some of this frustration and struggle even from myself. Just recognizing it has made me feel so much better. I found my something wrong.

Now if I can just decipher that weird dream I had the other night I would be even better. It was about touching someone’s prized jigsaw puzzle they had glued together and once I touched it all the pieces fell to the floor like shattered glass.


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