I’ve Folded My Cards… But I’m still at the table feeling the pressure of the game

There has been a blog about doing the hard things making its way around my facebook newsfeed. This entire list is good for me and embodies so many things that I have to do every day to get beyond some barrier that I face. We all have things we find hard and everyone’s list is different.

The first one on the list is to make those phone calls you’re afraid to make…. well I’m afraid to order a pizza so everything else that you can imagine just falls on its face after that. I have had to play phone tag with principals for the last few weeks and to me those are hard things. I can write myself in and out of every situation you can imagine, but when it comes to phone conversations well — it’s just not my thing. It’s more than that though. It’s not about ‘just a phone call’ it’s about having hard conversations. So much anxiety sits and rides on the shoulders of your to do list of hard conversations. They are so much better when they are just over. Sometimes for me there are conversations and space that is needed to be given before these hard conversations turn into irrational rambling and bantering mistakes when tackled too soon. So I am patient, but sometimes it is best to just get them over with already. Some people I am just simply done having hard conversations with and I’m at peace having said my part and closing their chapter. Image


The one on the list of hard things that I’ve been thinking about recently is ‘being nice to people who have been cruel to you’. Um. No. I’m done with that. It’s okay if I skip one of these rules right? I say this somewhat in jest. I’m always polite and friendly- If I’m rude or even sharp in tongue it was probably unintentional. – I find it nearly impossible to be rude to someone even when they probably deserve it. I show hospitality not because I feel the desire to do so with certain folks, but extending it is simply the right thing to do.

The challenge I have faced recently is having been strong enough to rid myself of negative people- there are people around me that still have a relationship with the outcasts than I have stopped associating with and this brings it too close for my comfort. I’m not an ultimatum kind of person that says- If you associate with the person then I am out. I think that is wrong. They are allowed to have their own relationships, but I don’t want to feel it, know it or see it. It took me so long to stand up for myself and to have the strength to do what was right for me and I find it hard to have them around. I am safe from the storm in this shelter I have built up around myself. Showing hospitality to the storm seems a tad ridiculous- this isn’t the last supper and I’m hardly Jesus. I’m beyond a hard conversation in this instance. I’m good with just being safe with my self worth. I try to blow as hard as I can to make it turn its direction away from me, but even at the sight of their darkness in the distance makes me begin to question myself- my decisions- my strength- my thoughts. I have to keep saying that I am strong enough to weather the storm when it passes by and be prepared internally enough to withstand it when I know it’s going to be a close call.

I followed the rule of “be nice to people who have been cruel to you” until I hurt my own self worth and I draw the line here. I have been strong enough after years of mistreatment to finally say enough is enough already and it is not easy to watch my near and dear brave the storm with what I know to be a dangerous level of uncertainty. They have to figure this out on their own though… I can’t convince them of the dangers. They might simply have to feel the pelts of the ice cold storm hit their back before they understand why I opened my umbrella and shielded myself.

You have to do the hard things sometimes in saying enough is enough. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is finally say no to a bad relationship and admit that you can’t make it work. I’ve thrown in my cards but I’m still somehow at the poker table watching everyone else gamble with their time in the storm of negative relationships.


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