Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:16
The sermon at church this weekend was about not allowing yourself to be snuffed out by anyone else and letting your light shine brightly. Not to cover your goodness under a bowl… a bushel or hide away the things that make you whole.
I’ve been on an amazing journey this year. It has been a spiritual journey. A journey to regain my health, body and mind. This blog is simply my therapy and my talking point… soap box- it is my mind therapy. My health has been overseen by new eyes… new nurses and doctors with a new perspective. My body has run more miles than it knew it would ever be capable of… ever. Although, none of these things are “good enough” for me yet- I’m a work in progress.
While listening to the sermon on Sunday, I thought about when this flame was blown out for me. I can pinpoint the exact moment the flame was covered up completely. I was told by a person that my personality was overbearing. I was too loud- rude- abrasive and I simply was not to speak in their presence. This person , whom I had a lot of respect for, having somewhat of a leadership role in my life I complied- gumption gone. I was snuffed out right then. I reevaluated all of my relationships and friendships. I thought over everything I had ever said. I sought validation from every angle and every relationship. Maybe I needed to in my life journey… had I been too much or over stepped my bounds? Or I was simply too much, but I don’t think so entirely.
So I went on about my life teaching and having my children. Still no strong flame…. struggling to relight. Teaching helped me feel lifted but only in those moments where I was directly in front of the children. I was alone in my classroom- my own space my own closet to safely hold my flame without fear. Only in that space did I feel like I had something going, but even that was like getting a small fire lit and then it dwindles out to nothing again. I love being a mother, but there have been times where my fire felt so dim. What I realized over time was that I couldn’t light all my cardboard at once, but that I had to build back up my kindling that surrounded my campfire to make myself really ignite at a steady pace and remain long lasting.
My flame was snuffed by this person over a decade ago. My coals have grown cold and it has been a challenge to reignite. In my rebuilding, I hope to stay strong and not lose focus. I was in a controlled situation where I had no right to speak especially no right to have opinions- thoughts- beliefs. I was hit by a silencer that struck my confidence and my self worth. I may come off as quiet to some of you now… reserved… an introvert of sorts. I didn’t used to be this way. It is quite possible that I needed a little taming. I may just find that right balance I needed and completely put my light out to shine.
My blogs may be too abrasive, too honest, too blunt and too open, but I spent the last decade only speaking my mind in a closet. I’m not trying to shove my little light in anyone’s face. I am simply coming out of darkness and relighting a flame that was put out long ago. Don’t worry while I’m rebuilding up my kindling. Don’t stress over my poetic digressions.