Archive | November 2013

This Campfire is Under Construction

Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. ~ Matthew 5:16

The  sermon at church this weekend was about not allowing yourself to be snuffed out by anyone else and letting your light shine brightly. Not to cover your goodness under a bowl… a bushel or hide away the things that make you whole.

I’ve been on an amazing journey this year. It has been a spiritual journey. A journey to regain my health, body and mind. This blog is simply my therapy and my talking point… soap box- it is my mind therapy. My health has been overseen by new eyes… new nurses and doctors with a new perspective. My body has run more miles than it knew it would ever be capable of… ever. Although, none of these things are “good enough” for me yet- I’m a work in progress. Under construction sign

While listening to the sermon on Sunday, I thought about when this flame was blown out for me. I can pinpoint the exact moment the flame was covered up completely. I was told by a person that my personality was overbearing. I was too loud- rude- abrasive and I simply was not to speak in their presence. This person , whom I had a lot of respect for, having somewhat of a leadership role in my life I complied- gumption gone. I was snuffed out right then. I reevaluated all of my relationships and friendships. I thought over everything I had ever said. I sought validation from every angle and every relationship.  Maybe I needed to in my life journey…  had I been too much or over stepped my bounds? Or I was simply too much, but I don’t think so entirely.

blown out flame So I went on about my life teaching and having my children. Still no strong flame…. struggling to relight. Teaching helped me feel lifted but only in those moments where I was directly in front of the children. I was alone in my classroom- my own space my own closet to safely hold my flame without fear. Only in that space did I feel like I had something going, but even that was like getting a small fire lit and then it dwindles out to nothing again. I love being a mother, but there have been times where my fire felt so dim. What I realized over time was that I couldn’t light all my cardboard at once, but that I had to build back up my kindling that surrounded my campfire to make myself really ignite at a steady pace and remain long lasting.

My flame was snuffed by this person over a decade ago. My coals have grown cold  and it has been a challenge to reignite. In my rebuilding, I hope to stay strong and not lose focus.  I was in a controlled situation where I had no right to speak especially no right to have opinions- thoughts- beliefs.  I was hit by a silencer that struck my confidence and my self worth.  I may come off as quiet to some of you now… reserved… an introvert of sorts. I didn’t used to be this way. It is quite possible that I needed a little taming. I may just find that right balance I needed and completely put my light out to shine. campfire_unlit1

My blogs may be too abrasive, too honest, too blunt and too open, but I spent the last decade only speaking my mind in a closet. I’m not trying to shove my little light in anyone’s face. I am simply coming out of darkness and relighting a flame that was put out long ago. Don’t worry while I’m rebuilding up my kindling. Don’t stress over my poetic digressions.

This video was circling around my facebook over the last 24 hours. It’s pretty moving regardless your journey or your closet. 

When You One Up- You Are Really Two Down

man on a boat

Man on a Boat- by my mother

I have realized recently that there is a person around that is in a competition with me and I didn’t know we were competing. I have been completely unaware. It’s almost like a mean girls competition from middle school. I feel like the person is trying to insult my wellbeing, my parenting, my husband, my children and mostly me… maybe they’ve just become disillusioned by me somehow. Maybe, I failed them somehow. I’m not sure what has caused these poorly chosen words used towards me.

My mom used to have this rule that if a girl was being mean to you that girl ultimately was jealous of something you have and you may never know what it is. My mother didn’t encourage us to be mean back or tell us to step down either. It was more important to our mother for us to understand that jealousy caused this tacky treatment.  In this particular situation, I feel like I’ve been running to get to the finish line just to finish for myself and nothing else and along comes this competitor making snide remarks about my stride along the way and hollering back at me as they cross the turn to say, “Nana-nana-booboo I’m faster and better than you.” Seriously, are we not adults? Did I not treat you with decency somehow? Did I make you feel as though you needed to defend yourself? If so, I would sincerely apologize, because that was not my intent.

Moms painting

Scenic painting by my mom.

This behavior was modeled in front of my daughter. What exactly does this model say to the next generation about us in this adult bragging and mudslinging? It sets an example that she’s already learning so young. I simply bow out and ask that you rethink your approach. Please, take the finish line first… I’m going to mosey on about my way and I will be there eventually, but for now I’m going to enjoy the journey of my run. I’m going to breath in deep the fresh air of the mountains and take long exhales while I cruise the valleys of my surroundings.